A girl in love...

"A girl likes to be crossed in love a little now and then. It is something to think of."

"A lady's imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony, in a moment."

— Jane Austen (Pride and Prejudice)

It's official, folks. Cupid has struck. I've found the love of my life. He makes my sunshine on rainy days. He makes me smile and laugh daily. He lifts my spirit. He makes my whole life a brighter place to be.

It only took us three years to figure it out. I met my love in an Advanced Fiction class at UTA in January of 2007. I walked into the classroom, quickly glanced around, picked out the cutest guy in the room and sat next to him. Little did I know that we'd eventually be friends and now... the best of friends. We had a bit of a rocky start but after we both had sense knocked into our brains, we've realized that we can't live without each other. I love him more than any person on earth and certainly more than I ever thought was possible. He's everything I could ever hope for and more.

Gone are the days of my laments over lost love. It all seems so insignificant now. I can't remember anything prior to my Josh and I can't think of anything I want more.

Words often fail me when words are needed most. And this is again one of those times. Love is such a mysterious and infinite concept and yet such a simple expression. "I love you" doesn't even begin to convey the feelings I have for this man.

I love him.

It's Been a While

It's been a while since I updated. I don't particularly have a song speaking to me at the moment. But I have had some interesting developments in my social life.

For one, I realized that if someone doesn't appreciate you for all you're worth, they aren't worth being around. Easier said than done, especially if you've grown to love that person despite the fact that they don't see you for all you are.

Two, I'm realizing there there is a BIG difference between LOVING someone and being IN LOVE with someone. I have a lot of love to give and I give it very freely. But I've come to the conclusion that while I love a lot of people with my whole heart, I am currently NOT in love with anyone.

Three, I "met" someone online who seemed, at first, to be a real potential. For those of you who know me, you know I don't like talking on the phone. I warned this potential guy of this at the very beginning. However, in the last 6 days of knowing him, he's left me 13 voicemails. I call that "not respecting my boundaries". On top of that he calls at very weird times. He called me at 3:30am one morning just to say hi. Sweet? Or obsessive? I don't know. But I didn't appreciate being woken up in the wee hours of the morning.

Here's my quandry- is there a happy medium out there somewhere? I'm tired of the guy who only shows me attention when it's a good time for him. I'm tired of the guy who wants to be the center of my attention constantly. I'm ready for the guy who gives me what I need, when I need it and visa versa. Which I suppose sounds really selfish and not to mention complicated. But unfortunately for you guys out there, you kind of need to let the lady lead. Feed off of her. If she's not returning your phone calls, back off a little. If she's texting you frequently, step it up a little. Pay attention to her signals and it really shouldn't be that hard. Then again... maybe it is. I don't know. But don't call her at 3:30am. Ever.

I wanna

If you go to www.wordle.net, you can make word clouds out of any words you want. You can also type in your blog url and it will make one out of the words used in your blog. So I did it for this one. The bigger the word, the more time's you've used it. Seems like I "wanna" a lot...

Your Mistake- Sister Hazel

Just when you think you're over someone, songs like this pop up and scream, "THIS IS HOW YOU'RE REALLY FEELING!!!" This one hits it right on.

Your Mistake
Sister Hazel

I'm not right
I'm not fine
I wanna be rain
That tastes like wine
I wanna be good
I wanna be great
I wanna be everything
Except for your mistake

Send me inside your mind
I wanna know what you're thinking
This time, I'll try to be the one
You always thought you knew
It's true, I'm blue, and without you

I'm not right
I'm not fine
I wanna be rain
That tastes like wine
I wanna be good
I wanna be great
I wanna be everything
Except for your mistake

Let me into your view
I wanna know how you see this thing
That us, I must keep managing
My madness over you
Its true, I'm blue, and without you

I'm not right
I'm not fine
I wanna be rain
That tastes like wine
I wanna be good
I wanna be great
I wanna be everything
Except for your mistake

I don't want your sympathy, just understanding
And we'd be better off if I just took some time
To try to understand you

I'm not right
I'm not fine
I wanna be rain
That tastes like wine
I wanna be good
I wanna be great
I wanna be everything
Except for your mistake

I'm not right
I'm not fine
I wanna be rain
That tastes like wine
I wanna be seen
I wanna get clean
I wanna just fall out of in between

I'm not right, I'm not right
I don't wanna be your mistake

Love Stinks. Nuff said.

Once was lost...

I'm really struggling. So much so that I can't even find a song that can encompass it all. I'm struggling with things I can't even tell my friends. My friends! Of all people... and they're such amazing people to put up with all of my crap. I can't talk to anyone. I've even tried talking to God. I'm not sure even He can provide relief from this mess.

And it's all self-inflicted too.

I could put a stop to all of it. I could. It's technically within my power to do so.

But I can't... and I don't know why. Perhaps because it means giving up things... giving up people... who I don't want to give away. Even if they aren't righfully mine to begin with... Maybe it's not so much that I have to give them away. Maybe it's more that I'm angry that I can't keep them, that they don't want to be kept.

If the things in my life are stuck in an extended stall pattern, it only seems fair that the people I love be stuck with me. It's not fair that their lives up and take wings and leave me stranded, looking up at their bright possibilities and looking down at my feet cemented in the muck.

But I know that's selfish.

Maybe I just need to find a way to say goodbye. Maybe I was never meant to take wing. Maybe my place is in the muck.

Word Cloud

What's Your Seduction Style?

Why Not Me- The Judds

Listen to the song here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fjjv_EemeEY

You've been lookin' for love all around the world
Baby, don't you know this country girl's still free?
Why not me?
Well, you've finally come down to your old hometown
Your kentucky girl's been waiting patiently
Why not me?

Why not me on a rainy day?
Why not me to love your cares away?
Why not me?
Why not me when the nights get cold?
Why not me when you're growin' old?
Why not me?

You've been searchin' from here to singapore
Ain't it time that you notice the girl next door, baby
Why not me?
You had to see if the world was round
It's time that you learned how good settlin' down could be
Why not me?

Why not me on a rainy day?
Why not me to love your cares away?
Why
not me?
Why not me when the nights get cold?
Why not me when you're
growin' old?
Why not me?

You've been lookin' for love all around the world
Baby, don't you know this country girl's still free?
Baby, why not me?

So, I guess this one pretty much speaks for itself. I get compliments from friends and family and coworkers, "You're so smart!" "You're so pretty!" "You don't have anything to worry about!" "You'd be a catch for any man!" "You're so talented!"

And I'm still single. Not for lack of trying... or looking... and I even stopped looking for a long time under the pretense that when you least expect it, the thing you're looking for will present itself. I say, PROVE IT! Even the "potentials" give me the sweet compliments and subtle (and sometimes not so subtle) flatteries... followed by my LEAST favorite three letter word, "but." From the potentials, I get, "You're beautiful and talented and funny and smart and everything any man should be proud of... BUT..."

BUT WHAT????

Ugh... I just don't get it.

Further the Sky - Gabe Dixon Band

Listen to the song here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PHZtbBawQSE

I wish I could give you the answers and paper and ink
I wish I could stop all the tears before they start falling
But we're feeling our way and we're always beginners
We're all cuts and no scars

The higher you reach -The further the sky
The more miles you walk -The longer the road
The steeper you climb -The harder you stand to fall
The stronger you get -The heavier the load
The bigger the dream -The rougher the ride
The truer the love -The deeper the ache
The blinder the faith -The tougher the go

Please, bear with me as I work through my Gabe Dixon Band obsession. This is another song of his. It, like And the World Turned, has a great melody but the lyrics really made me think. It's almost like God is trying to hit me upside the head because I was watching South Park the other night and Butters gives this soliloquy about how he likes loving life and that you can't appreciate life without experiencing the bad. And then there is this song...

I'm not sure it's exactly the same concept but correlated at least. I think the line I relate best to is the truer the love -the deeper the ache. I so often give my heart away too easily. In the words of Jane Austen, "Oh, you are a great deal too apt, you know, to like people in general." It's always been like this too. For as long as I can remember, I've been the one loving and being left. It is a nasty position to be in, and one I haven't been in for a long time but the familar feelings are all too present these days.

But a great friend told me recently that I should be greatful for my ability to love so freely because for some, love and loving someone is something they can only dream about. So I suppose the loss of love puts the value of loving into perspective. Another friend told me that being the lover isn't necessarily a bad thing, even when the feelings are not reciprocated. That it's ok to love someone despite them not loving you back. Because love in any form is still the greatest of all emotions.

Moral of the story? Love on!

And The World Turned -Gabe Dixon Band

Hear the song here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5eRhOA8Z2HE

Girl stood on the rocks with the water at her feet
the sun on her skin and a tear on her cheek
With her hand on her chest and the wind in her hair
Underneath her breath like a beggar's prayer, she said
"I miss you, come back to me
I wish you'd come back to me."
But nobody heard
And the world turned and the world turned and the world turned

And thats when the girl reached in her pocket
pulled out a silver heart-shaped locket
Opened it up and stared for a while at her faded boy
with a lazy smile, oh how
I miss you, come back to me
I wish you'd come back to me
But nobody heard
And the world turned and the world turned and the world turned

And she walked to the deepest part of the river
And she thought about diving in
She imagined how the current would overtake her
How easy it would be to disappear
But instead she tossed the locket
In the cool, blue, water

That night in her bed, she let herself weep
She let herself cry herself to sleep
And there in a dream somewhere in the night
Saw the boy and the locket by the riverside, saying
"I miss you, come back to me
I wish you'd come back to me."
But nobody heard
And the world turned and the world turned and the world turned

I was recently introduced to the Gabe Dixon Band by my friend J.R. and have been hooked ever since. The music is fantastic and the lyrics are even better. It was hard picking which song I really wanted to use because there are about three right now that I feel really connected to.

I'm still not sure why this one is sticking out in my mind. But lately, I've felt like I was losing someone I really care about -maybe two someones- and I have that aching I wish you'd come back to me feeling.

And you can see this girl, trying so desperately to let the boy go, as she throws the locket with his picture into the river. But even after her grand gesture, the boy returns to her in a dream.

It makes me wonder if we can ever really let something go, or if a part of it stays with us forever. I tend to lean towards the latter because chances are, we've grown in the experience and that growth stays with us.

The world turning is an interesting notion too. Because I feel like the girl is timeless, standing in the middle of the river, mourning her loss and yet the world around her doesn't hear her pleas; it just keeps spinning on around her. Grief has a funny way of altering our perception.

Nevertheless, it's been really hard grasping the fact that sometimes you just have to let people go, even if your heart aches with love for them...

An Explanation

I've been a musical being for as long as I can remember. And at some point, probably during high school, I discovered words and the power that the two combined could have over my soul. That being said, I relate to song lyrics in a way that I cannot fully relate to anything else. I frequently hear a song and think to myself, "I know exactly what you mean." And when situations arise in my life, I can usually attach a song to the feeling associated with that situation. So they catalyst for this blog, and the feature that will ever be a part of it, is song lyrics. They'll lead each post and characterize, much better than I could myself, the way I'm feeling.

Numero Uno

Lyrical sociology is characterized by an engaged, nonironic stance toward its object of analysis. Lyrical sociology typically uses strong figuration and personification, and aims to communicate its author's emotional stance toward his or her object of study, rather than to "explain" that object. The analysis considers many examples and draws on literary criticism, the philosophy of time, and the theory of emotion.